No one gets into a relationship thinking: “This is going to wreck my life, alienate my family, friends, and leave me wounded (possibly for life”. Yet it happens all the time. Not all train wrecks can be avoided, but most can. It’s interesting that after the train wreck happens, people look back and say “I should have seen it coming”. Fact is, you did. At least parts of it, but you lied to yourself by thinking your situation was different.
I am not a counselor or psychologist nor do I play one on TV, yet in 22 years of praying and listening to people I have seen some familiar patterns emerge. I share this “straight from my gut” blog not because I’m an expert, but because I care. Before the wreck happens, consider eliminating the following three phrases from your life:
- What’s wrong with _________________________________________. (fill in the blank)
Most victims of relationship train wrecks said that phrase at some point.
I know I’m married, but, what’s wrong with a little flirting?
I know he has issues but what’s wrong with being forgiving? Aren’t we all imperfect?
I know she seems controlling, but what’s wrong with caring?
The problem with the “what’s wrong with” phrase is that it makes excuses for character flaws. If you have to spend time arguing with yourself or with mature people who love you, trying to justify the unjustifiable, you are probably treading in dangerous grounds.
- I can save him/her.
People that like to play savior usually end up crucified by the exact same people they are trying to save. It’s interesting to watch this dynamic unfold. Many times, the satisfaction of getting attention overrides the potential for a broken heart and results in compromised values. There is something inside of all of us that craves attention. Starting and remaining in a relationship with an unhealthy person makes forget two important principles:
People are worse than you think they are.
The process of change is going to be harder than you think.
When you add to the mix an intimate physical relationship (very common in unhealthy individuals and relationships) you get a perfect storm. If you are wondering whether an intimate relationship with a person you are not married to is a good idea, think about this: Complete intimacy without complete commitment usually results in a complete mess.
- This is perfect.
This is the balance to #2. You’ve probably heard it said, that if it’s too good to be true it probably is. There is no such thing as a perfect person or situation. If it seems too perfect, question it. Healthy relationships have disagreements and imperfections. There is a difference between imperfections and dysfunctions. These are three markers I use to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships:
Control- are they trying to help you become a better you or a different you?
Abuse- once it happens it’s time to get out.
Vomit- when someone you just started dating or just met shares too much information with you (they vomit on you) it should be a warning sign something is not right.
Some of you are seeing the signs right now that a train wreck might be at hand. Stop coming up with excuses. Train-wrecks seldom end well. Pray for courage and surround yourself with a couple of friends to support you as you jump off. Better a scraped knee than a busted head.
Sorry for the bluntness.
No more train-wrecks!