This is part 4 of this series. The more time I spend in churches the more of these that seem to appear. I hope this brings a smile to your face, happiness to your week and joy to your heart. Any similarity with the church you attend is simply coincidental.
1. “This is the part of the service we can all participate”.
This is usually done when tithe and offering time comes. My question is this: what are we doing exactly in the other part of the service? Are we invisible people? Does all the singing, praying and pretending we are paying attention to announcements not considered “participating?” Worship is a verb. Not a spectator sport. This phrase sends the wrong message.
2. “One more announcement”.
This one is usually done after the service is over. The appeal has been done. The last song has been sung. The 3 hours for a Hispanic Church (5 if you are an African American Church, 1 if you are Anglo congregation) are over. Your stomach is growling. Your kids are restless and your spouse is in a hurry. But, alas, it’s not over. It’s not over because you, dear ministry director have to take another 10 minutes in a short announcement that is already in the bulletin, has been announced already and it’s for an event I am not even going to go to. Please, no more. Its takes away from my worship experience. Let me go home inspired not wishing I expired.
3. “Start the track over, please”
This is how this one goes down. It starts by the singer hitting the mic to see if it’s on. Followed by the track not starting. Followed by a dirty look. Followed by the track starting in the middle of the song. Followed by the singer asking the sound system operator to start the track. Followed by a rendition of a song that should not have been sung in the first place. Followed by “amens” that make you say “huh”.
4. “Let me tell you a story before I sing.”
I don’t mind a short introduction. I do mind a sermon. If you want to preach, preach. But we are here to hear you sing. So, please sing.
5. “and that person was me”
This usually happens with spectacular testimonies that wait to the end to reveal that the person telling the testimony was the centerpiece of the story. My aversion to this practice has more to do with my personal distaste of testimonies that glorify the past sinful lifestyle and minimize the time now spent with Jesus. The real heroes of the church are not the ones that left, played around and came back, but the ones who never left. Those are my role models. Kudos to you, Jesus follower!
Do you have any more? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org